18 June 2008

Unicycle Dystopia: a retort

On a recent non-stop flight from Baluchistan I viewed the post-apoc (un)thriller LEGEND, starring Will Smith. It was probably the biggest piece of garbage-smelling ass film I've ever snored through, but it did make me think: will cities like New York, Paris, and L.A. survive zombiedom? What will happen to the Champs Elysees without Prada and Mercedes'? Will the survivors, undead or not, BE ABLE TO UNICYCLE?

Fuck yes, I say.

Witness, if you will, the masterpiece that is Escape From New York (John Carpenter, 1981). Snake (Kurt Russell) is able to fight hooligans, drive caddies, and float around Manhattan Maximum Security Prison like it really ended up becoming circa 1997. Could he have been on unicycle? Certainly! And how.

Take Blade Runner (1982), in which hapless replicants pursue Harrison Ford in future-noir L.A. Could Deckard have opted to unicycled his pursuit of Tyrell? Of course.

Unicycling, it goes without saying, requires soul. It requires heart. It involves the machismo similarly likened to rocking an accordion amongst strangers. In short, unicycling takes BALLS. Therefore, could soulless replicants conduct unicycle pursuit? Right.

In conclusion, I'm looking at you Prof. Bizzle, a Mad Max scenario would not be conducive to unicycling, in this you are correct, but everyone knows that some Arizona-desert civilization shit is going to become unsustainable as water supplies become scarce and we are forced to drink recycled urine (see Waterworld). But as noir-fantasy cinema teaches us, the future is gonna require ingenuity, out-of-the-box thinking, and a lotta heart to fend off zombies and robots. We're gonna need one wheel, two legs, and a whole lotta saddle-straddling balls.

1 comment:

Dan B said...

Unicyclists wear chaps.